EXCERPTS:

Its been a while since I've written anything at all. Freshly opened word documents stare blankly at my face every night. After a few minutes of trying to will the screen to burst into words, I grab on to another thought's tail, as it goes flitting through my mind. Hence another wave of inspiration is left behind.

My time on earth has run up to twenty one years now. For twenty-one years of being their little girl, my parents sent over 9 gem studded ring, set in gold. It's such a grand beauty. I wear it like a talisman.

I'm bored with soaps, all of them. So I've taken to reading Sade's pornographic novels from the 19^th century. A purely literary pursuit.

There was some talk of another play. I got all excited:

"Whats it about?"

“We should call the play parenthetically yours. Or rather parenthetically (yours)”

“ Ah! What's it about?”

“ Its about all those people (and these people are everywhere, mind you), who are completely devoted to someone around them but can't do anything about it."

"Oh"

"Don't get it?"

"Dunno. Maybe"

"How do I explain... okay it goes likes this. I'm always yours but all I can do is tell you. I'm not going to paint any banners for you. But I love you till kingdom come and once we're there, you still won't have more than an inkling of how much you mean to me."

" Oh"

"Makes sense?"

"No. Of course not."

It'll make a boring play.

Went out for a walk a few nights ago. I kept my eyes on the sky most of the time and walk along the darker parts of the track. It was a beautiful, starlit night with translucent clouds spread in thin shimmering sheets across the midnight blue sky. The beaming moon hung low on the horizon. Somebody had taken an enormous bite out of its perfectly round, cheescake face. It felt wonderful to miss red skies with no stars.

Shiva and the fear of death

Shiva and the fear of death

In the beginning there was Shiva. There was nothing and out of this zero came everything. Within the rims of the zero lie all that is between the two ends of infinity. Fear and love, joy and loathing, sorrow and wonder, desire, anger and peace. Blearg. The blearg sentiment also lies within this limitless "O".
In the beginning, there was a big, fat zero like s"O". It burst and threw out flaming rocks of its own nothingness. Yet faster than fire, faster than even liquid or light, traveled space. Space through which we move, space across which light sends its glimmering message, space for mountains to inch upward, space for setting strings so that sound may bounce off them in harmony, space for supernovas to swallow as they bulge and erupt, space enclosed by mirrored walls of a studio, within which I watch my reflection and wonder what to do.
How do we wake up? Out of the wrong side of bed...with a frown. With a smile left behind by a sweet dream and then dissolve into tears of disappointment. Or with a start, from a night-mare and then at once thankful for the safety of daylight. How many times a week do we wake up feeling anything at all?
Indifference. So many mornings of indifference. One more day. Another day in paradise is exactly the same as another day in the purgatory. Today began with indifference.
What will purge one of indifference? To wake up to the fact that we are not. I climbed up the top of a hill and considered free falling. Oh glory. To hear my blood flow, to hear my nerves crackle and to hear my heart beat. But one is not indifferent to death. Only to life.
Thats how it ends. Shiva..the god of THE END. But Shiva is the god of dance, dancing to the rhythm of the universe, of little atoms in their shells, of oceanic waves, the rhythm of the seasons, of day and night and of every breath. When we stop breathing, we blend into another instrument of the divine rhythm- the earth itself. If our ears weren't so used to it, we would be able to hear the earth spin.

Fear and love, joy and loathing, sorrow and wonder, desire, anger and peace. Heaven and hell. It is the cosmic gift, we were allowed to hear the universe speak in feeling.

What is the answer to stupidity? More questions.

What is the answer to dissatisfaction?

Why are there such wide gaps between intentions, actions and effects? Karma? No,perhaps we don't really think it through.

Why are the simplest questions the hardest to answer? Who are we, why are we here and why does everyone pretend like they know? Why must I, like everybody else before me, go through my life in search of answers to the same old questions? I want to do something new! Why does it seem that desire for controlling the mayhem drives many further than the desire to understand it? Why do so few really see the circumstance we are in? How can people pass through their lives neither looking into themselves nor beyond themselves, stuck in the gray space between? What has millenia of our experience as a race of enlightened beings, given us more than stronger and stronger arguments for every opposing idea? And grander reasons to keep up the argument? Do opposites meet at some abstract point in infinity? Or do right and wrong flesh each other out , can one thrive only in light of the other? Then what is peace? Is peace just another distracting idea that puts us off our quest for the truth?

Chill out over enchiladas tomorrow, thats what I'll do. Chilling out engages one in life and life has all the answers, ey? That's another question. So what is the cure for stupidity? Silence and stillness. No thats the cure for restlessness.

Hateful, children are hateful. They plague your time, your life, your mind space, everything, with their stupid, inexcusable, inexperience. They stress you out and make you resort to quick fixes like coffee and chocolate. That makes you fat. Where do they come from? Why are they made? To bother us, WE who have finally got the hang of what to do, after years and years of hard lessons? Why bother us now? Leave us alone! Perhaps its not such a Huxlean nightmare after all , to rear them all in human nurseries till they're ready to come out into the adult, adult, ADULT world! And the worst kind of children are those that are in their freshman year of college. Brainless twits. I wish they would, for heaven's sake, educate themselves. Worst of all, you have to be nice to them. Or else, they CRY. *shudder*

Do I sound a little mad? I am. And not just about child problems.

For example, I wished there was some way to up-date my music without having to work too hard. Like perhaps, copy it off other people, with their 60GB strong music collections. And I wished there'd be some easy way to shift all my music to Winamp as I'm done and through with media player. So God or His alter ego, the Devil, sent down to the earth, a virus that ate up all my music files...Chomp, Chomp, Chomp. So now, I use Winamp to play the 4 songs I have left. People are offering to share their collections with me. But reformated comp is still not on the network. Be careful what you wish for, huh?

Anyway, enough of all this, to work, to work... work makes really good escape.