Peace. Temporary, deceptive, irritating peace that I bought using flat lies. So... this is what it feels like, to burn out. You feel a temporary, deceptive, irritating peace that you know is going out the window when the real world comes back in.

I wish I could be funny about this. I mean, the problem is supposedly that I can't take these things lightly. Its just a project. So you have the boss from hell- most people do. Its really all in your head. Think about your future. This is for your own good. You'll emerge a stronger person. Bruahuahuahuaha.

Its not that I dislike rats. I loved one of them like I would a dog- if I had a dog. I even wept for it the day I gave it an overdose of urethane, slipped it into a plastic bag and stashed it into the freezer so that it would die quietly. It was essential of course, that it died, since the lab has to pay extra for every day that its alive. It struck me then that something was awfully strange about this situation, real, happy scientists don't cry for their lab rats. Depressed scientists might. So might misplaced artists. So this was a very wrong thing, really.

So I took off. Cooked and churned up random excuses and took off. I bolted with my tail between my legs, wimp that I am. I may never go back. But apparently, I should.

I'm ready to sit on a street corner and make charcoal paintings of little children. I'll starve and suffer to save up for a pair of ghungroos. I'll live in a single room studio apartment with a hot plate and a mattress on the floor and an easel in the corner. People shouldn't be forced to do things they have no aptitude for. But people should just sit through the Honors year they worked so hard to get into in the first place. Apparently its the smart thing to do. I'm not so sure. Apparently there's no way I can do a decent post grad degree in anything with only a 3 year Bsc. Fine.

I'm spiralling on a tsunami to hell. Nobody gets it. I'm drowning in a pit of fear and self pity.

" Ride the wave, honey." That's the only comment so far that been of any use in helping me pull myself together.

In an instant

Instant coffee is the worst thing any body could have thought of. It certainly gives you the pick up you need when you're down and out and gives it fast, but soon enough, you realize that if you have to put up with this quick but poor quality stuff everyday, you might be put off coffee altogether. Anyhow, after my recent bout of trysts with quick fixes, I have finally decided that I'm an old fashioned, slow and steady kind of person, who doesn't really mind waiting a while for my perfect cup of coffee, of strength, richness and flavor thats just right for me.
If you're wondering if there's a point to this post, trust me, there is.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.
yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarhg
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhhhhh.


I hate rats. I love cats. Because cats eat rats. I would love to unleash an army of cats out on the animal handling unit and devour all those mother#%^@#@$#!@ rats and bring all projects at CeLS (Centre for the Life Sciences) to a screeching halt and there by allow me to have an honors degree by speculating the degree of nociception (sensory, affective and cognitive) experienced by rats as they were being chewed alive.

Its unfair of me, I know. After all, they're just stupid animals- but apparently not so stupid that they can't be used as models to study human emotion. The rats are not the problem. humans are the problem. Human bosses are the problem. Humans with petty emotions are the problem. Humans, born and raised in this poor excuse for a country, are the problem. Its unfair of me, I know. But I'm feeling kind of crazy right now.

Meanwhile, there's something else on the personal palatte that's also driving me utterly insane. I can't wait for school to start so that I'll stop being the only crazy one around.

Now, I go meditate.