OF OVERCROWDING
I'm all out of words when it comes to talking things out. It should be a no-brainer, when you talk, you use words. But no, its exactly when I want to talk that I completely and utterly run out of words. Like that fellow Lebetezyatnikov in Crime and Punishment, "he was not very skillful in expressing himself in Russian, although he knew no other language...". Now that is one of the several and I do mean several places in the Great Book, that struck a chord with me. O hell, these dialogues I am forced to make with the many people in my head!
I belive that I am worse off than the average person, who has to bear with the white voice of the angel and the black one of the devil. For not only are there more than two of me in my head, there is atleast two of everybody else I know.
What drives me up the wall and makes me want to pick up an axe and slice and dice with crazed abandon, is that these versions of the same person (the several ones in my mind, as well as the one in the real world to which all the sub conscious ones refer) seem absolutely unaware of each other's existence and never, ever co-operate. You don't understand me? I'll explain.
Imagine a person, who I (or anyone else, for that matter) am friendly with in real life. He/she does this or that, says this or that and I smile (because I smile at everything) and say, "aha..". Thus forth, some sort of program commences in my head where a person has so much chance of doing any infinite number things, based on their character (or what I have naively (prejudically?) deduced their character to be).
After a phase, once the program has auto-corrected all its errors (arising mainly due to want of data), the results progressively get more accurate. So this becomes a very reliable way to calculate the probability of how this given individual shall behave in a given circumstance. And it works, this stupid, presumptuous program works long enough to mislead and misguide, long enough to catch me completely and utterly by shock, when the actual person (who lives in the real world) behaves with no regard, whatsoever, for my careful deductions, upon which I have possibly dwelt for days and days and days!
So I create a new program (quite involuntarily, believe me) to account for the changes exhibitted by this person, now weirdly, a stranger. But the former program cannot be deleted, it is still running. Over successive years, new programs are added for the same person, each program churning out too many conflicting results, each representing facets of this individual's personality so diverse, that they must, o yea, they must belong to different people.
Then I am left totally confounded. I cannot explain, to this complex human being, why I feel the way I do, why he/she can, by small silly acts, can upset me so and why I am unable, even to say that I am hurt (beyond any degree that they can possibly understand) because,
"I thought I knew who you were". Pah.
I'm all out of words when it comes to talking things out. It should be a no-brainer, when you talk, you use words. But no, its exactly when I want to talk that I completely and utterly run out of words. Like that fellow Lebetezyatnikov in Crime and Punishment, "he was not very skillful in expressing himself in Russian, although he knew no other language...". Now that is one of the several and I do mean several places in the Great Book, that struck a chord with me. O hell, these dialogues I am forced to make with the many people in my head!
I belive that I am worse off than the average person, who has to bear with the white voice of the angel and the black one of the devil. For not only are there more than two of me in my head, there is atleast two of everybody else I know.
What drives me up the wall and makes me want to pick up an axe and slice and dice with crazed abandon, is that these versions of the same person (the several ones in my mind, as well as the one in the real world to which all the sub conscious ones refer) seem absolutely unaware of each other's existence and never, ever co-operate. You don't understand me? I'll explain.
Imagine a person, who I (or anyone else, for that matter) am friendly with in real life. He/she does this or that, says this or that and I smile (because I smile at everything) and say, "aha..". Thus forth, some sort of program commences in my head where a person has so much chance of doing any infinite number things, based on their character (or what I have naively (prejudically?) deduced their character to be).
After a phase, once the program has auto-corrected all its errors (arising mainly due to want of data), the results progressively get more accurate. So this becomes a very reliable way to calculate the probability of how this given individual shall behave in a given circumstance. And it works, this stupid, presumptuous program works long enough to mislead and misguide, long enough to catch me completely and utterly by shock, when the actual person (who lives in the real world) behaves with no regard, whatsoever, for my careful deductions, upon which I have possibly dwelt for days and days and days!
So I create a new program (quite involuntarily, believe me) to account for the changes exhibitted by this person, now weirdly, a stranger. But the former program cannot be deleted, it is still running. Over successive years, new programs are added for the same person, each program churning out too many conflicting results, each representing facets of this individual's personality so diverse, that they must, o yea, they must belong to different people.
Then I am left totally confounded. I cannot explain, to this complex human being, why I feel the way I do, why he/she can, by small silly acts, can upset me so and why I am unable, even to say that I am hurt (beyond any degree that they can possibly understand) because,
"I thought I knew who you were". Pah.
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